4.23.2009

Happy Birthday Oskar!

I can't believe that my little dapper dude is now a bouncy 3 year old.

Praying for Stellan

Wordless Wednesday

Born into the hands of Jesus 2.17.1987

I don't mention this part of my life to many people but the time has come to let it out.

My mother gave birth to my baby brother Michal when his body and spirit were already with Jesus. He was born sleeping at 41 weeks gestation- I never found out the cause. I was only 10 at the time and how I wish that there was something like Now I Lay Me down to Sleep to capture memories of him for my mom and for me. I cannot begin to imagine how she felt having to birth a baby into the Lords hands.

I remember when we had his funeral I desperately wanted to see him. It was only me my older brother and my step dad and Michal's god father and my mom and a priest at the cemetery so they agreed. They took his little casket and opened it. He looked so plump and sweet and at the age of 10 I guess it was the need to
have closure to look at him. I remember my mother looking away. She didn't want to look. And to this day I don't know if at the hospital she was given the chance to kiss and hold him or not.

I will never know the cause of my brother’s death and my mom’s feelings as my mother passed away when I was only 24 yrs old. We never spoke of it- and I am not sure why.

7 years after her death I stumbled upon NILMDTS and I am overcome with emotions. All of a sudden I felt such heart ache at the loss of my brother and of my mom. It was like a double whammy – yet from a different perspective.

And with me being a mom now and her being gone I feel cheated that she is not around for me to offer her support. I guess what gives me peace is knowing that she is with God and no doubt has been reunited with her baby boy.

Therapy revisited.....

So my previous post mentioned a life long friendship gone sour. Well I have just about picked up the pieces and with the help of PL I have accepted the end of what I once held so dear. She was a friend with whom I learned to ice skate, a friend with whom I had many sleep overs. As little girls we always talked about how things will be when we grow up and have our own families. Despite me moving to the US we kept in touch and every summer spent time together when I would fly back to Poland. I loved her and trusted her like a sister. I cried with her when her dad passed away, she cried with me when I lost my mom just a few years later. The reality strikes full in the face. It still hurts- but not as much as it did when I read that "epic" email. I can move on. I will move on. Close that chapter in my life for good. All I know and hope is that 'he' wll carry me through.

I'm alive but I feel like I have died.

All that is left is to accept that it is over. A life long childhood friendship. She sent me an email today. An email that crumbled my soul. Hurt so deep. It took my breath away. But I will bring beauty from this pain and walk out a stronger person.
Today I will cry my last. Perhaps I will forgive. I should. But I am not strong enough
yet.

Happenings

Tomorrow we are going to collect my Christmas present. Yeah kind of way after Christmas already. But see my husband is so awesome he bought me a house. We have the closing tomorrow. A closing on my Christmas house. Not just any house. It is a house that is directly behind the one we live in now. And guess what will happen in honor of my birthday.....this very house will be torn down so we can have a bigger yard. Yay for city living! :)